My milk supply has been hurting for more than four months now and ever since my breastfeeding relationship with Monkey has been a bit of a roller-coaster. When I first noticed my supply dropping, I immediately called my lactation consultant (Melissa at Luna Lactation in Portland…she’s amazing) to meet and discuss. We confirmed that Monkey had dropped half a pound in about a month’s time. Melissa seemed to think that my supply truly began to decrease when I had the mirena implanted at 3 months postpartum. Between her and my naturopathic doctor, we created a plan of attack to get my supply back up. First we removed the mirena, and then had some bloodwork drawn. My bloodwork showed that my prolactin was low, and so Melissa had my doc call in a script for domperidone. Ever since, I’ve been on so many supplements + domperidone, you’d think I was dying or something..but they worked. By the time Monkey’s 9 month well baby visit rolled around, he had gained over a pound in a month. I was pleased.
For the last month or so, I’ve felt like my supply was been back up. It’s so hard to tell, because I know that they say once your supply regulates, you don’t always get that ‘full’ feeling anymore. But, when my supply was dropping – I just knew. For the last month or so, Monkey seemed to be satisfied after meals again, but I’ve never been 100% sure. In fact, we had his blood drawn just a couple of weeks ago and all checked out okay – this was some much needed reassurance that he was getting the nutrition he needs. I was happy!
This was until a couple of days ago. I ran out of my domperidone last Monday. More is in the mail, but not here just yet (it was supposed to be here last week.) I really started to suspect something wrong on Thursday evening because Monkey started crying at my breast. I didn’t feel quite as full, but I thought maybe he was just tired. I kept encouraging him to feed and then rocked him to sleep. Friday night, he did it again. He cried so hard, that he started doing that cry where he stops breathing for a second – that painful make momma’s heart break cry. I called to Brian and asked him to bring down some milk in a bottle. I was hoping that Monkey was just overtired, but deep down I knew it was my supply. I knew it was slipping away. Monkey scarfed the bottle. I’ve never seen him down a bottle so fast in his life. This is the same baby that I’ve been trying SO HARD to get to drink from a bottle for the last two months (in preparation for the BlogHer conference I’ll be at starting Wednesday evening). He normally refuses and wants absolutely nothing to do with the bottle. Not Friday night…Friday night he couldn’t get enough. My heart sank.
On top of it all, we can’t get Monkey to drink formula. The thing is, he can’t have just any formula…since he has the dairy sensitivity we have to avoid most regular formulas since they are dairy based. For the last few weeks, I’ve been trying to get Monkey to drink a homemade coconut milk formula with no luck. We tried a bottle, a cup, a sippy cup, a cup with a straw…you name it, we’ve tried it. We decided to try a soy based organic formula yesterday, but he wanted nothing to do with it. Tomorrow, we are going to try Baby’s Only organic lactose free formula. I know it’s still dairy based, but it’s lactose free so it might be all right. I’m crossing my fingers so hard that he actually takes it, and then of course that his tummy can handle it. It’s hard enough as it is not being able to give my baby what he needs, but the fact that he won’t take anything else is just devastating.
So, I was able to get my doctor to call in a new prescription of domperidone locally so that I can pick that up tomorrow. I will be there first thing when the compounding pharmacy opens and plan to take the first dose immediately. I’m not sure if running out of the domperidone is really what caused this crazy drop, but I’m crossing my fingers so tightly that it is. I also got my first true postpartum menstrual cycle last week, so that may have done it too. Honestly, my gut has told me for a week or so that my supply was dropping, but I didn’t want to believe it.
And of course all of this happens right after I decided to organize the group milk donation at BlogHer. I still want to be a part of it, but at this point I think I want to save any milk I am able to pump while I’m there instead of donating. My Monkey will need it. I still want to get together with the other pumping moms, and I’d still love to help them donate to someone in New York.
Breastfeeding has truly been a whirlwind of a journey from me. It’s had its ups and downs – got off to a very rough start, but it has been the most amazing experience and it has formed a truly beautiful bond with my son. I have loved it so much more than I ever could have imagined and I am not ready for it to stop. I never thought I would be faced with this before his first birthday. I keep telling myself that ten months is great, but it’s not enough to heal the wound that has formed. I keep telling myself that ‘this too, will pass’, but it’s so hard to believe right now. I just want my breasts to start working again, and I want Monkey to eat some kind-of formula…I don’t even want to think about what will happen when my stash runs out in a couple of days.
So, what’s going through my mind? I feel like a failure. I feel like Monkey looks up at me wondering why I’m not feeding him, why I’m depriving him of what he needs, what he wants, what he deserves. That’s been the hardest part of all of this. He’s just a baby and he doesn’t understand why mommy can’t feed him like she used to. I know I’m not a failure, but it’s very hard not to feel like one.
Has anyone experienced something similar? Were you forced to end your breastfeeding relationship sooner than you would have liked? Did you have a baby who wanted nothing to do with formula? If so, please share your story and any tips you may have!
July 29, 2012
This entry was posted in baby, Breastfeeding, Parenting, Struggles. Bookmark the permalink.
Hi and welcome! I'm Jenny - a green living new momma, adoring wife, and MSU fan.
I am probably no help since your son has dairy allergies, but we supplemented with a goats milk when my supply started bottoming out. Hang in there!!
Hugs! Oh, my heart breaks for you. I know that feeling of failure all too well. With my first (a preemie), my supply tanked within just the first few weeks postpartum. By 4 months, he was getting 20 oz of formula a day. I sobbed with every bottle. I had a pump attached to me all the time and was lucky to get 2oz by the end of the day. It was torture. By 6 months, I was really feeling “off.” I got my thyroid checked and that was the answer. It had gone absolutely crazy. I was to the point of not being able to leave my porch because of anxiety attacks – I was a prisoner in my own home. It was hell. Thankfully, within a week of getting thyroid meds, my milk supply was back full force. All the other mental and emotional issues took MUCH longer to recover from. I felt like such a failure for so long that I tried to compensate in every other area of his little life. Looking back, I hardly remember anything except the pain from that first year.
Kudos to you for seeking help right away. I didn’t. I thought I could do it all myself. I did have some help with an LC, but not enough. I was too ashamed to call.
With that said, my guy is a very happy, healthy, and precocious 3 1/2 year old with two younger brothers. I started having the same issues after each subsequent baby but got help right away.
Praying that your supply rebounds quickly! Praying for your mama heart! You are a great mama. You are making sure he is getting the nutrition he needs even if it isn’t what you want for the moment. I am sorry you are struggling!
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry to hear your story of your breastfeeding struggles with your little one :( It’s so so difficult when you are trying so hard! The hardest part for me is thinking about how Monkey doesn’t understand what’s going on…all he knows is that momma’s not giving him what he needs.
Thank you for sharing your success with finding help, hopefully it will encourage anyone else reading this post to get help if they need it, too!
Thank you so much for your support – it means so much more to me than you know!
I am so sorry to hear of your struggle. It is heartbreaking. I really hope the medicine helps asap.
I don’t know what to say. I hope the medicine gets to you ASAP. If you’re able to, keep us updated.
I’m sorry you are having supply issues – especially now as you prepare to travel. Hopefully it works itself out. I can totally understand your feelings though. My almost 8 week old still hasn’t gotten the hang of nursing (great latch, very little milk transfer) and I go back and forth between being grateful that my supply is able to keep up with her right now (constant pumping) and feeling like a failure that she can’t get it straight from the breast. It’s definitely a roller coaster.
Don’t feel like a failure! I know it’s easy for me to say when I feel that way myself…but keep telling yourself that you aren’t! You are a wonderful momma doing everything you can. Have you sought help from a lactation consultant? They may be able to help with milk transfer issues. You know, my son had the same problem and he ended up being tongue and lip tied! Good luck and hang in there!
So sorry to hear about this! Hoping that medicine does the trick! I had a rough time with my first, only nursed for about four months, and we still supplemented formula in between nursing. With my second things are going better but I still sometime doubt that I am “making” enough. We have only breastfed this go-round, she may have gotten a little formula in the hospital because I wasn’t pumping enough while she was staying in the nursing station. Turned out the pump wasn’t set up right! I think we are programmed to doubt, programmed to think we are doing things wrong! One thing I learned, when they are hungry enough, they will eat. I know that sounds harsh but you sound like an attentive mommy and with keeping what you are doing, you are taking the best care of that baby as you can!
Try to cut yourself some slack. We have to save up for those years that our kids want to throw it back at us! LOL…
Awww thanks :) I really appreciate the support and encouragement. It’s crazy how naturally worrying comes with the mommy title!
My heart aches for you. We just went through this about 3 months ago. Breastfeeding was a major challenge for us right from the start. We got about 3 months of breastfeeding in and then my supply completely disappeared. My midwives and lactation consultant decided it was due to the horrible tearing I experienced at my son’s birth. My body was working over time, trying to heal and produce. In the end, it was all too much and my supply slowly vanished. Here is a website with solid information regarding homemade formula.
http://www.westonaprice.org/childrens-health/recipes-for-homemade-baby-formula/
I know the guilt you carry as a mom is so powerful. If you ever need to chat, please reach out to me. Sending love from our family to yours.
Thanks so much Danielle – I really appreciate it. Thank you for the link. We have tried some homemade formula (made with coconut milk) without much luck :( I think we’ll try another recipe with goats milk once Monkey hits a year.
I’m so sorry to hear your story. It’s tough when we work so hard and want something so badly, but our bodies just can’t keep up. You’re a great momma!
I know the feeling of a dwindling supply. Hannah is now 1yr old and I can only hope that everything I’m doing will bring it back up!
Good luck, mama :)
Thank you! And good luck to you, too!
Have you asked about using goat’s milk for your little one? I won’t get on my soapbox, but here is a link for your viewing pleasure: http://www.dynamicchiropractic.com/mpacms/dc/article.php?id=38646 Best of luck!
Thank you! I’m nervous to venture down the goats milk route just yet, but I’m sure we’ll get there soon. Thanks for the link!
I’m so sorry you have had so many supply issues. Hats off to you for doing all you can to still breastfeed.
I am so sorry to hear of your struggles! What a great mommy you are for trying so hard to keep the breastfeeding going!
Jenny,
Have you tried lactation cookies? I’m so sorry to hear of your supply struggles. I hope everything regulates soon!
Hugs!
P.S. It was nice to meet you this weekend!
Your post really makes me regret complaining about having too much milk. Sure the super leakiness is annoying, and we make a huge mess every feeding, but I can’t imagine feeling like I couldn’t provide for my baby. I’m sorry mama! I hope things work out. Eat rolled oats, take fenugreek (I know a lot of moms who suggest it), anything you can to get that supply up.
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